Hold Them Close

I typically refer to myself as a "first time baby mom". I became a mom to a 3 year old boy 6 years ago. I started off motherhood with a toddler that I did not birth, but loved none the less. I finall get to experience motherhood how I always anticipated I would, except now I'm a mother of two. I have no idea how the last 8 months have not made me go insane, but what I do know is it has made me a stronger, happier, and more faithful human being.
With that being said, I really thought I had my parenting ideas down pat and knew exactly how I would raise my daughter. She would be exclusively breast-fed (that lasted 4 months before she was exclusively formula-fed), she would be cloth diapered (and then I realized: I hate laundry and laundry with poop sounds terrible!), she would skip purees and we would do BLW (I am too nervous/anxious to trust my baby not to choke, and started spoon feeding mush 2 weeks later and have yet to turn back). The one thing that has stuck is babywearing.
At 2 weeks old, I had set a goal to wear my baby everyday, at least once a day, and was really adamant about it once she started daycare and I went back to work. I would snuggle her up and she would fall fast asleep, wake up to eat, read a book, and back to sleep she went. And then she started to sit up. She wanted to be more independent. She wanted to play on the floor. She wanted to try to crawl. I would wrap her up on my back and walk her around, teaching her about the world all around. Until one day, it just kind of stopped. I got frustrated how long it would take to wrap her, and she would get frustrated that she couldn't do whatever she wanted. I would hip scoot, superman, santa toss her up, she would stiffen, scream, cough, wriggle until I would lay her down on the bed or couch and throw the wrap in anger, of course follwed with a big bear hug for my girl because no one should feel blame for someone elses frustration. We went a whole week without going up. A week of snuggles on the couch, a week of playing on the floor until we both couldn't keep our eyes open, a week of feeling less than beautiful.
I picked my sweet Ray up from daycare after that and had one fussy, clingy babe. I reached for one of our favorites and supermanned her up, and she didnt fuss. She laid quite still and let me do my thing. We were up for about 2 hours that evening, and it was just as magical as it had been before. She swung her little feet in delight when the dogs ran past, she peeked over my shoulder to see what I was doing, and she snuggled in once she was tired. We were back. Its been a few months since then, and things aren't perfect, but I believe we had both learned something from that wrapless week - sometimes, we just need each other. Whether the other is feeling up to it or not, we rely on each other to get us through the day. I don't know how parents survive without babywearing. I remember being told not to pick up my 3 year old step son because he was "too big". I cannot wait for the day someone tells me I shouldn't wear my 3 year old who just wants to be held, snuggled, loved. Babywearing has brought out a community of mothers I feel less judged around, a place I feel safe, and a way of life that makes me feel confident in the way I raise my baby. I thank the heavens above for whatever it was that turned me onto babywearing, because it has helped turn motherhood into a thing of pure joy and beauty in my mind, and I wouldn't have it any other way.